The happiest year thus far for me has been manifesting since my last birthday (sept 2015), when I stepped out from underneath my armour a little more and started sharing with the public not just my successful moments, but the darkness and vulnerability that are a part of me too.
Those who’ve been following my journey have seen a lot more raw footage of me singing on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter, and behind the scenes of my REAL life on Snapchat & Instagram Stories. I’ve published blogs on my website revealing my battles with anxiety and fear. I’ve posted videos on my YouTube channel about my less than ideal eating habits, tips on meditation & wellness, and advice on continuing to strive for greatness. I have released personal songs that I’ve been hanging onto for years because I didn’t think they were perfect enough.
These are all different ways I’ve chosen to put myself out into the world as an artist, wellness leader and human being, who genuinely wants to connect and share with whoever will be inspired to watch and listen.
However, even though it may seem like it’s easy for me to be this ‘public’ with my life because I’ve been performing for 20 years- it’s absolutely not.
Sometimes I feel like such a loser. I ask myself why I bother. I tell myself my dreams are stupid and far fetched. I get frustrated and impatient with my process. I criticize and judge my progress. I compare myself to others that are “further along than me.” I pray for shortcuts. I get scared. Claim I’m unworthy. Have shame. Fail.
Most people don’t even know that I used to battle with such severe stage fright that I took medicine for it. Even though I’ve never let my extreme performance anxiety get in the way of doing my job onstage, and even though I no longer take medication due to the help of my meditation practise, I still get excruciatingly nervous before going onstage sometimes if my mind isn’t in check.
Most of the time no matter how much energy I give to people, or how much hard work I put into developing my goals, I never feel like I’m doing enough.
It hasn’t been easy building two careers over the last 10 years and I’ve had a lot of doubts about being able to make this work along the way. However, in the moments of doubt causing me to hide from the world, or beat myself up, or stand in the way of my own story, voice, song, truth… you guys have been there to give me the nudges I’ve needed to move forward.
You’ve told me that my tenacity has inspired you to follow your dreams. You’ve told me that sharing my struggles has made you feel brave. You’ve told me that my yoga classes, guided meditations and seminars caused you to improve your health and your life. You’ve told me that you’re certain I wrote my songs from the memories of your own heart. You’ve told me you believe in me. That you’re proud and to keep going.
You’ve watched closely and stood by me from that time at age 8 I used the front porch of my parents’ house in the Thousand Islands, to perform “Rapunzel” (the musical) for the whole neighbourhood. You were in the audience at the Brockville Arts Centre watching me sing “We Refuse To Fall Asleep” at 10 years old. You saw me land on my first professional stage at age 18. You sing along to my performance of the CFL “Friday Night Football” anthem every football season on TSN. And here you still are. Cheering me on as I sing in my room with no make up, on Instagram at age 30.
Well I’ve been watching too. Every like, share, comment, add, mention, repost, clap, whistle, scream, whisper, nod, and beating heart.
I see and feel it all. Every piece of art given to me, picture taken with you, every hug, every signature you’ve asked for, every message or letter that I’ve been able to open, every quote repeated, song or video replayed.
All of these things have left a signature of their own, branded into my mind and spirit.
The inspiration and uplift you have all given me all along the way drives me to keep going when I have lost all hope. I would not be as far along on my journey or as happy in my life without this support.
My achievements are your achievements. My happiness is your happiness. So let’s celebrate the victories as OURS, because alone I’d be stuck on the moon, but together we’ll make our dreams a reality all the way from here to MARS.
Every word I say I truly mean: Thank you for loving me.