Even though it may seem like it’s easy for me to be as public as I am with my coaching, art, the story of my life because I’ve been performing for 20 years- it’s absolutely not.
Sometimes I feel like such a loser.
I ask myself why I bother.
I tell myself my dreams are stupid and lofty.
I get frustrated and impatient with my process.
I criticize and judge my progress.
I compare myself to others.
I pray for shortcuts.
I get scared.
Claim I’m unworthy.
Most people don’t even know that I battled with such severe stage fright that I took medicine for it at the young age of 15.
Even though I’ve never let my extreme performance anxiety get in the way of doing my job onstage, and even though I no longer take medication, I still get excruciatingly nervous before going onstage sometimes.
Most of the time no matter how much energy I give to people, or how much hard work I put into developing my goals, I never feel like I’m doing enough.
It hasn’t been easy building two careers over the last 10+ years and I’ve had a lot of doubts about being able to make this work along the way. However, in the moments of doubt causing me to hide from the world, or beat myself up, or stand in the way of my own story, voice, song, truth… you guys have been there to give me the nudges I’ve needed to move forward.
You’ve told me that my tenacity has inspired you to follow your dreams.
You’ve told me that sharing my struggles has made you feel brave.
You’ve told me that my yoga classes, guided meditations and seminars caused you to improve your health and your life.
You’ve told me that you’re certain I wrote my songs from the memories of your own heart.
You’ve told me you believe in me.
That you’re proud and to keep going.
You’ve even told me I saved your life.
You’ve watched closely and stood by me from that time at age 8 I used the front porch of my house in the Thousand Islands to perform “Rapunzel” (the musical) for the whole neighbourhood.
You were in the audience at the Brockville Arts Centre watching me sing “We Refuse To Fall Asleep” at 10 years old.
You saw me land on my first professional stage at age 18.
You sing along to my performance of the CFL “Friday Night Football” anthem every football season on TSN.
You stayed just as enthused through each of the different personas & and musical phases I’ve been through on my journey as an artist… from Janey B to Marella Jane to Janey Brown.
You shared your excitement when I pivoted into writing & producing film and learned from me as I taught you about fear and mindset through Play Fearce.
You’ve followed my adventures from country to country.
And here you still are. Cheering me on whether on renowned stages like SXSW or in my room with no make up on Instagram stories.
Well I’ve been watching too.
Every like, share, comment, add, mention, repost, clap, whistle, scream, whisper, nod, and beating heart.
I see and feel it all.
Every piece of fan art given to me, picture taken with you, hug shared, every signature you’ve asked for, every message or letter that I’ve been able to open, every quote repeated, song or video replayed.
All of these things have left a signature of their own, branded into my mind and spirit.
The inspiration and uplift you have all given me all along the way drives me to keep going when I have lost all hope. I would not be as far along on my journey or as happy in my life without this support.
My achievements are your achievements.
My happiness is your happiness.
So let’s celebrate the victories as OURS, because alone I’d be stuck on the moon, but together we’ll make our dreams a reality all the way from here to MARS.
Every word I say I truly mean: Thank you for loving me.
This is just the beginning.